Senator John McCain (R-AZ) took to the podium yesterday to denounce his former Senate colleague and 2008 presidential campaign foe, President Barack Obama, for his "lax approach to the vital national security interests of the United States and its defense contractors."
Citing the burgeoning crises in North Korea and Syria, Senator McCain lectured the press gathered for his daily dose of Straight Talk about the importance of "battlefield testing the literally dozens of untested weapons systems sitting idle due to sequestration," hastily adding, "which our esteemed colleagues in the House had nothing to do with."
Looking on like a proud great-grandfather as his son makes his first senility-laden rant, McCain nodded vigorously and approvingly when his wingman, South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham added: "We Grahams know war. A Graham completed two tours of duty before coming home safely in 1865, after evading capture by hiding out and keeping it loose for a few weeks before Appomattox. When Senator McCain and I voted to go to war in Iraq in 2003 while pushing through the Bush tax cuts, we acted responsibly. We very, very carefully read the Terms and Conditions of that Platinum credit card China sent us in the mail, and it clearly states that it is good for up to three wars of choice. Afghanistan doesn't count, bitches."
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| "We didn't choose the thug life. The thug life chose us." The Senators rep-ruh-sent. |
Senator McCain noted that his war hawk caucus and he had been reasonable in presenting options to the President: "Bomb-Bomb-Bomb-Bomb-Bomb Iran is still on the table. Syria. North Korea. France after the gay marriage vote. Hell, Syria is basically a pre-napalmed 'Nam, so what the hell is this President's problem? We're pre-approved by Beijing, and we'll earn Capital One points on every mile. Nut up, Mr. President, and pick a war of choice! If I had been elected, we'd be better than halfway to a legacy by now."
Bringing the presser to a close, Senator Graham bent down to give Senator McCain a piggy back ride back to the Russell Senate Office Building. Giddying up Graham with the cry of, "Benghazi! Yah!" Senator McCain cut - well, not quite the figure of a Rough Riding Roosevelt - but quite a figure indeed. Quite a figure indeed.
